Who Cares?

I’m frustrated and I’m tired of having the same conversations with my children EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

“Daniel, pick up your Legos.”

“Jillian, put your clothes in the hamper.”

“Audrey, clean up your toys.”

“Daniel, quiet down, stop yelling!”

“Jillian, go to the bathroom!”  Yes at six years old she has to be told to go, otherwise she will wait until the very last second and not make it there in time.

“No Audrey, you cannot have potato chips for breakfast.”

UGH!  Seriously we can’t be the only family with these problems.   Yes I know it is the outcome of our parenting and I have lots of excuses but none of them matter.  What matters is that my children grow up to be respectful, motivated, productive adults.  Don’t get me wrong, my kids aren’t horrible but there is always room for improvement.

Michael and I have some work to do.

Introducing John Rosemond, a family psychologist and contributing author to the Parent & Child section of our local newspaper.  This morning a colleague of mine clipped out the following article and left it on my desk.  I’m not sure whether to thank her or be insulted.  :)

Teens Can Be Persuaded To Care About Good Grades And Clean Rooms

Parents tell me their daughter is intelligent and did well in school up until the seventh grade, at which time she stopped doing the required work and her grades, consequently, went down the proverbial tube.

My response: “Who cares?”

Parents tell me their 8-year-old son still has four or five “accidents” per week in his clothing. The child’s pediatrician has determined that there is no physical problem (in which case, these stinky events are more accurately called “on purposes” or “lazies”).

My response: “Who cares?”

The parents of a 15-year-old want to know what to do about his refusal to keep his bedroom and bathroom neat and clean. His possessions are strewn everywhere, he doesn’t hang up his towels, he disposes of food by shoving it under his bed, and so on.

My response: “Who cares?”

Don’t mistake my meaning here. I am not trivializing these problems. In each case, the parents have a legitimate complaint. I am simply asking these parents to identify the person or persons who is/are upset by the problem in question, because it is a simple fact that the person or persons who is/are upset by the problem will try to solve it. And therein lies the possible reason why these problems aren’t being solved, because in each case the problem can only be solved by the child in question.

So, who cares that a seventh-grade girl is not accepting her academic responsibilities? Who cares that an 8-year-old is having frequent “lazies” in his clothing? Who cares that a teenager refuses to keep his living space orderly and clean?

The fact is, that the wrong people care. The wrong people are upset. Therefore, the only people who can solve the problems have no reason to solve them. The simple fact is that not until these children are forced to become upset about these problems — not until they begin to care more than their parents care — will they solve them.

So, the girl’s parents confiscate her most prized possession: her cell phone. She will get it back when her grades come back up to par and stay there for one entire grading period. When she is informed of this, she throws a tantrum like she hasn’t thrown since she was a toddler. Good. Now she cares. If any sense at all remains, she will solve HER problem.

The boy’s parents tell him that his doctor says he’s having “lazies” because he’s not getting enough sleep. Until they have stopped for a continuous period of 28 days, the doctor says he has to go to bed right after supper — even if that means cancelling activities — seven days a week. He is very upset by this sudden turn of events. Good. Now he cares.

And the teen comes home one day to discover that his parents have thoroughly cleaned his room. In the process, they threw away whatever they felt like throwing away and have stored his most coveted possessions in a storage locker to which only they have the code. They tell him to take a close look at the job they did because he must keep his room and bathroom to that standard for two straight months before they will return his stuff. And if he doesn’t clean his room, they will. At first, he is angry. When that doesn’t move his parents, he asks their forgiveness and promises to keep his room clean if they will return his stuff. They refuse. He gets angry again, then apologizes again, then begins to beg. His parents stand firm. He goes to his room and won’t come out for dinner. Good. Now he cares.

In each case, the child quickly solves the problem. Amazing! Or not.

No not really that amazing, just common sense.  Consequences instead of coddling, actions instead of threats.  I am all over this!

When I was a teenager my Mom and step-Dad would confiscate our belongings we neglected to put away.  We were able to get our things back.  For a $2 fee.  You left your favorite fleece blanket on the floor in the family room?  That’ll be two dollars.  You left your backpack on the kitchen floor?  That’ll be two dollars.  You left your shoes by the front door for everyone to trip over?  That’ll be four dollars, each shoe was counted as one item.  That one made me laugh, it infuriated my brother.

Those two dollar fees did more than just empty our wallets though.  They shifted the upset from our parents to us.  Once the fees were introduced our parents no longer cared if we left our things out, but we did and soon enough we cared enough to perform a “once over” before going to bed.  Simple yet highly effective parenting.

Bravo Mom and Bob, looks like you have a little something to teach me after all.  ;)